Friday, January 30, 2015

Making a creative change

I didn't get much written in 2014. Or rather, I wrote more than ever before, but none of it was fiction or for fun. In retrospect I think this is part of what made the year so hard for me; suppressing the creative side made me feel like I lost a part of myself, and besides having a hard time with things that actually happened I battled myself to stay on track with things that had to be done.

2015 is off to a better start. Hubs isn't feeling great, but he has been good enough to be able to go to most appointments on his own, pick up his meds by himself, and stuff like that. This has been a huge relief for me, partly because I'm less worried for him of course, but also because I've had some time and peace of mind to actually work - during daytime.

It's really hard to keep a household together, make sure everyone is fed and the bills paid when you're waiting in healthcare facilities as much as 20-30 hours in a week. Before all this happened I could never have anticipated how much time I would spend just waiting.

Most people around me have been fantastic. I found more support than I could ever have anticipated, but a few people seemed eager to add to the burden. Not cool. Luckily, by the end of the year I was so tired I didn't care about others liking me any more. Being able to tell people to sod off was a great relief, and solved several problems. LOL.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about making a creative change. Things have gotten a little better, and while I still don't have the inner peace to write, I decided I wanted to start playing bass again. I used to play in three bands back home, and I miss it. I'm not great, but I'm good enough. (I don't have any playing-buddies here, and I don't have time for rehearsals and gigs, so I play along to a playlist or the radio or whatever.)

To accomplish this outlet and get some peace of mind I've decided to set time aside for Maria-activities after dinner every evening. I also aim at taking at least one day off every week. I couldn't do this in 2014 because I spent so much time at the cancer centers, but now I can actually spend a little time on me. I've been playing bass and reading books, and it's heavenly. 

I'm much happier. I know I should be working during that time too, or at least cleaning or doing dishes or something, but screw it. Careful consideration led to the conclusion that I'm important too, and in the long run no one wins from me being miserable.

The next step in winning back "me" is to create enough space in the schedule and inner peace to get back to writing. I have so many almost finished stories that I want to get done, and new ones brewing in my head. If things keep going well maybe I'll have a new book or two out before the year is over.

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